Reclaiming Miss Havisham

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Hi my name is Leslie, and I’m a book snob.

This isn’t easy for me to talk about. I’m by no means proud of my affliction. It is an annoying characther flaw that arose from being the daugther of the King of all booksnobs, my father, and my own pretentious confidence in my own intelligence. (I actually waffle back and forth between thinking I’m the smartest person in the world or the dumbest)

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I was reading the hilarious blog Stuff White People Like and followed a link to the following New York Times article about breaking up with someone for not being well read enough, and other examples of book snobbery. You can read the article here.

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The article touches on the complexity of the snobbery. It goes in two different directions. Like Augusten Burroughs (Running With Scissors) describes a date in which the other guy had a copy of Proust propped on the table suspiciously. This act of staged pretention turned out to be a deal breaker. On the opposite end, sitting there with a copy of The Da Vinci Code would have the same outcome.

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I don’t think I’m so bad that I wouldn’t give the guy a chance, but in either case, things would not be off to a good start. Every book snob has their own inscrutible parameters. Since I’m confessing already, here are some of mine:

1. Decorator Shit.

I remember one time my mom had this interior decorator who was bringing all sorts of just SHIT into the house. You all know what I’m talking about. Small stacks of books staged around the house, unusable trays, throws I wasn’t allowed to touch. The books are the worst though. I remember she brought one that was like a coffee table book of the dynatsies of ancient China. I was just like “what the fuckkkkkk, this is Nashville, Tennessee, no one in the house has any interest in the ancient history of asia, and the only reason it was there was to go with the oriental rug (I guess?) And when people have a bunch of books strewn about they’ve never read it’s always incredibly obvious. Here’s an example of decorator shit on the side table and the pouf thing:

Living, Etc

You know who is really guilty of having a lot of decorator shit? The Silver Sage Mafia. Lisa, you can skip this section since I explained this to you when I came to the store. The Silver Sage Mafia (SSM) is an name my mom invented for a special breed of women. These are the women who marry right out of college (the bridesmaids dresses are always silver sage). They won’t pop out kids right away (those are the god squad girls) but they’ll get a job, get a dog, put the husband through business school, and then in their 30s, thats when SSM is in full force. They’ll be perfectly put together when out and about. They’ll do pilates, with their shit in a vera bradley bag and go on vacation with other couples and their kids. They buy antiques they don’t really like or understand or will probably just hire a decorator. They have lunch with their girlfriends and get facials and eyebrow waxes a lot and drink a lot of chardonnay. They’re always really into silly pretty paper shit with like polka dots or stripes. They’ll usually have some sort of horse shit pretend job like art buyer. Nothing that you actually have to show up for on a regular schedule. They always carry their keys in their hands with a bottle of water or coffee. (seriously why doesn’t anyone just put their keys in their purse)

ANYWAYS, I’ve digressed.

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2. Large amounts of books that fall outside of fiction and non-fiction

This is a pretty good way to spot a nerd. My poor boyfriend is so patient with me. Even when I excommunicated his massive collection of computer science texts and science fiction pulp from the living room shelves. I, on the other hand, have deliberately spaced out my true crime books so no one thinks I’m a serial killer.

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3. The two Daves

I don’t like this genre of writers that only write quippy recounts of their own experiences (sorta) and then call it fiction. Having a sharp sarcastic wit does not make you a master of fiction. The two daves refer to Dave Eggers and David Sedaris. I do not find them as adorable as they find themselves.

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4. Your dogs name is what?

Me: Ignatius

Notfriend: huh?

Me: :sigh: or Iggy

Notfriend: Oh like Iggy Pop?

Me: No like Ignatius Reily from the novel A Confederacy of Dunces

[silence]

Me: okay well umm yeah I’ll see you later…at a half past never

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5. Book editions

If the book has been made into a movie and you have the copy of it with the actors photographs on the cover…..no. Just no.

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